Who has dealt with the major ‘judging’ because of your lack of kids? The criticism? The exclusion?
Whether you’re childless by choice or not, this society is so family-focused, you deal with the constant controversy, exclusion, lack of friends, and judging from the many parents in the world. Who feels me????
As a Christian woman who has never had a desire to procreate, I’ve often felt like others look at me like I’m an alien. When attending women’s bible studies in smaller towns I lived in, and listening to the myriad of “problems” the mothers would speak about; as if the piling up laundry was truly the end of the world. I was never able to speak about the dating issues I was having or the heartbreak I may have been going through or the ridicule I dealt with because I didn’t want kids. I haven’t met many Christian women like me; those that don’t want kids. In these bible studies, the women would always ask me why I couldn’t conceive, like there’s no way I would CHOOSE not to have kids! What a foreign concept!
From Today’s Christian Woman: “Criticisms take a spiritual edge with some arguing that procreation is God’s command, not just his blessing. Too many pronounce infertility a sign of divine disfavor, leaving women reticent to admit their situation. Controversies over the morality of fertility options make discussions seem like minefields.” Being a Christian and part of a church is another way that those who remain childless are judged and excluded. And I am sure that women who have not been able to have children, have either felt like God was punishing them or they were made to feel that way by the church community. It’s so sad that our fellow Christians can judge us more than outsiders do.
As a newer Christian in my 20’s, I had such guilt over this because I thought God wouldn’t love me if I didn’t want kids. I really thought there was something wrong with me. I was very blessed to be in a small group at Northpoint Community Church in Atlanta, at the time. Those ladies were amazing at helping me realize that God didn’t give me the desire to have kids and nothing was wrong with me! I want to stress to ALL of you: Absolutely nothing is wrong with you either!!! God made everyone of us completely unique and He does not give us all the exact same desires. He doesn’t want you to be like all others! He may not want you to have kids because He has a much different plan for you. And I beg you, don’t have kids JUST because society tells you to or the family is putting pressure on you. You never know how God will use you in the future, so allow His will to be done in your life.
- You’re a disappointment
- You’re so selfish
- You’re missing out
- You’ll change your mind
- You’re not a mom, you wouldn’t understand
- Is something wrong and you can’t conceive?
- I’m an outsider
- I can’t find friends
- I’m not fitting in at church
Who has dealt with any of those?? If you are childless, you have probably heard all of them or felt all of them. The ridicule one can feel because of a choice we made to have no kids, is insane. Like we are committing some heinous crime.
How to Meet Friends Like YOU
How can you deal with this? I would say, just go out and find other women like you, but we all know, this is almost impossible! If you are single as well, this can be a bit easier to find, especially if you are part of a large city and a large church. When I lived in Atlanta, it was very easy to find fellow singles and non-moms. But when you move to a smaller town, it’s impossible! PRAYER is my next suggestion! If you just can’t find any friends that are also in this same boat, just start praying that God will bring you some. We all know, there’s NOTHING He can’t do! Social Media is also a great way to find fellow like-minded ladies. Your new friends may not be close by, but there’s always a phone, Facetime, email or private message.
SINGLE and Not Wanting Kids
If you have been following me for awhile, you may know that God did not bring me my husband until I was in my 40’s – something I thought would never happen. If you struggle with singleness, definitely check out my book, ” But First, Pray”, CLICK HERE But, I digress….you can imagine how hard it was in the dating world, to tell the men I was dating that I didn’t want kids. Once again, my alien head appeared! I quickly learned to tell a new date on DATE ONE and not wait until I became attached to someone and then drop that bomb. I think there was a small part of me that thought when I meet “the one,” my feelings would miraculously change and I’d want several kids all at once. HA HA HA Ok, that never happened, luckily. But I did date man after man after man who would quickly run when I told them that OR they would stick with me thinking either I or them would change their minds about kids. THEN, I get my heart broken because they never changed their mind.
Why I’m a Furmom!!!!
Where is GG Now
Then… I meet the love of my life!! After so many hard years of dating and thinking God had forgotten about me, I meet a man, Michael, who was thrilled when I told him I didn’t want kids (his were already grown, so he had “been there, done that.”) I may not have birthed any children, but God blessed me with an incredible husband and now I have 2 beautiful grown step-daughters and didn’t have to birth anyone, lol!!!
Childless NOT by Choice
For those of you really wanting kids, but can’t conceive, there is NOTHING wrong with you either! God has a plan for you!! You really must focus on that and know that He knows your pain and is taking care of you and your situation. I do have a great friend who is dealing with this and helping other ladies cope with this as well. Definitely check out her website: CLICK HERE or find her on Instagram: Cryssie
I’m always here to pray or chat with, if you’re dealing with any of this. Would love to hear your story and what you’ve been dealing with.